I am so frustrated right now! I gained another 5 lbs in one week! Now most women would not talk numbers when it comes to weight but I am so astounded at how much I keep gaining that I need to use the numbers to illustrate my concern.

As of March 1, I currently weigh 214 lbs. At the beginning of September, I weighed 181, and in July of last year I was in the 160s. I won’t even talk about how little I was when I first moved here! (Yes, I will... I was 142 and a healthy size 6! That’s literally 1/3 of my current dress size of 18!)

I weigh myself every week and I just keep getting bigger and bigger. I have to keep buying bigger clothes. I actually have to shop in the “big girl” stores now! I’ll admit my eating habits aren’t the best but really folks, this is ridiculous! When does it end? When they need a forklift to get me out of the house?

The anti-depressant meds I’m on are most likely contributing to the weight gain too, but the weight gain is contributing to my depression, so it’s like a vicious circle.

Plus all the weight gain so fast is putting pressure on my spine making it difficult to run or even walk long distances. I have a 2nd marathon to complete so this is just unacceptable.

Did I mention... I'm only 5'5"! I'm morbidly obese according to some charts! I’m considering desperate measures right now so don’t be surprised if you hear I’m smoking crack!

One of the hard parts about being single is not having someone to comfort you after a nightmare. I had a series of them last night and just wanted to cry.

We received a notice at my condo complex that two of my neighbors have been robbed where I park my car and that it is not an isolated incident. Although according to the note, the police are aware of the situation, it is still a scary thought.

Although I have an assigned spot in the back, I might start parking in the front of the building, but there is no guarantee that I will find street parking close enough to feel safe either. Who knew after surviving Detroit and Chicago that I would ever feel unsafe in San Diego?

It is not good when your home no longer feels like your safe haven and sanctuary away from the problems of the outside world. To have that sanctity violated gave me the worst nightmares than I’ve had in a long time and it would have been nice to have someone hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright.

To all my friends lucky enough to be in a relationship, give your significant other a big hug today and let them know how much they mean to you!

I am running in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Marathon again!

Yes, you read that right! I am going to run 26.2 miles! …again! …for fun! …well, and also to raise money for blood cancer research!

Since I was so impressed with the training program in 2007, I signed up with Team in Training (TNT) again to help me prepare. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to complete my training in 2008 because I let my depression get the best of me. However, in 2009, I won’t be stopped!

TNT provides me with an amazing comprehensive four-month training program, complete with coaches, mentors, and fellow runners, as well as moral support and advice on everything from nutrition, hydration, and running technique, to stretching, flexibility, and injury prevention. I highly recommend TNT if you ever consider running a marathon or training for any other endurance event!

I raised $3,500 in 2007, more than double the suggested fundraising amount, and lost more than 30 pounds! In 2008, I raised over $1,000, slightly more than the suggested amount for alumni, but unfortunately put the weight back on. I am pushing myself to lose 40 pounds and raise $1,800 this year to make up for it.

However, I am not only running for myself and my own fundraising and fitness goals. I am also running on behalf of people like my former honored teammate, Matt Jones. Matt is a cancer survivor whose leukemia returned twice and also spread to his brain. Even though he had to re-learn to walk, with TNT’s help (and prayers and hard work, of course), he was able to complete the Rock ‘N’ Roll Marathon. He told me that if he could do it, then I could too… and he was right!

Please help me exceed my fundraising goal of $1,800!

TNT is a part of The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, the world’s largest voluntary health organization dedicated to funding blood cancer research, education, and patient services. The Society offers a variety of programs and services in support of its mission to cure leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin’s disease, and myeloma, and improve the quality of life of patients and their families. As a non-profit organization, The Society relies on the generosity of individual and corporate contributions, and you can trust that at least 75% of all donations go directly toward advancing the Society’s mission. An estimated 823,349 Americans are living with blood cancers. We can make a difference in their lives and help find a cure!

Remember, every dollar counts! To donate quickly and securely online, please visit

http://pages.teamintraining.org/sd/rnr09/renarowe

Spread the word! Thank you in advance for your generosity and support!

So has it really been 5 weeks since I updated? That seems like a really long time!

Not much to say that I haven't filled people in on already.

Just a quick thank you to the creators of Ritalin ;)

addiction to it

Wow! A girl added my Gravitation story, "Have you eaten yet?", to her favorites list on fanfiction.net! I'm so proud and excited and honored and humbled and who cares if she's only 14 ;)

A never-ending quest for brains to eat doesn't sound like much fun to me ;)

More vacation days!

Print will never die!

I would, but I can't focus long enough ;)

I absolutely loved the X-Files and watched it religiously, but for the life of me, I can't describe a single episode, let alone choose a favorite. How sad is that?

SLASH!!!

...because it's everywhere!!!

A CAPE!!!

You can't be a proper hero without a cape!

...but then again, I always wanted to walk around in a tiara, so maybe a cape and a tiara!

...oh and wings!

...but wait, with wings, I wouldn't need the cape!

...hmmm, decisions, decisions!

...OK, wings and a tiara!

...and then if the hero is wearing a cape, I get to be the villain!

...princess dark angel!

...no, wait!

...princess raven!

...yeah, that's it ;)

I always hated my first name, Verena, for as long as I can remember.

I shortened it to Rena in college because going by my middle name, Chanell, in high school was too much trouble. I always had to explain the name preference to teachers upon entry into a new class and I couldn't use Chanell at graduation when I walked across the stage.

Plus, I lived with my grandparents during my last two years of high school and they would tell people who called for me that "no one by that name" lived there.

Man, where were cell phones then?!

Rowe isn't even my "given" name. It’s my "married" name which I never changed after my divorce because Rena Rowe sounds so much cooler than Rena Hayes.

Yes, I'm that vain.

Even as early as 6th grade, I went by Cha, short for Chanell.

Unfortunately, my family always refused to call me anything else but Verena.

Maybe I would like Verena if there was a story behind it. My mother said my daddy picked out my first name, but when I asked him where he got it from he said he just liked the name.

How exactly do you like a name that no one's ever heard of?

I like to tell people who ask if Verena means anything that it means "One with High Father" but most people don't get it.

Surprisingly, Chanell has a "story" behind it. My daddy said he just liked the cologne but considering it's not spelled the same, I'm going to believe my mother's version of the story.

Chanell comes from the first 3 letters of my mother's name (Charletta) with the last 3 letters of my daddy's name (Ozell) with the "n" to join them together.

Yes!!! Of course Pluto should still be a planet...

because "My Very Eager Mother Just Sent Us Nine" isn't complete without "Pizzas"!

Does Vegas count?

MUSIC!!!

I have quite a few birthmarks but my most interesting one is on my right breast. It's a small mole that could be the beginnings of a 3rd nipple. It's not very pretty but it's a perfect gauge for if my top is too low cut.

OK, it's official!

My name is Rena and I'm addicted to slash!

I see slash everywhere!

It cannot possibly be as rampant as I think it is!

It must be all in my mind!

It's just not possible that every movie I see has canon references to slash!

I mean Get Smart oozed slash and there was even an on-screen kiss for god's sake!

And now Hancock! Are you kidding me?!?! He put a damn heart on the moon!!!

Are there support groups for this? 'cause seriously, I need help!

I crushed on a close friend and it did not end well.

During my senior year of high school, I had a vivid sex dream (which still remains one of my most vivid to this day) about one of my best guy friends.

I had never thought about him in that way before but was certainly intrigued after the dream.

The next day, after I shared the dream with him, my friend revealed that he had liked me since freshman year.

Hmmm…. I guessed he didn’t see me as a little sister after all.

We got together, things happened, and by the end of the school year we weren’t even speaking.

I always regretted losing a friendship like that.